Is Anxiety Right? I’m Feeling Inside Out and Upside Down.

Welcome to my blog. I’m trying to post more frequently, at least once a season, so here we go with our late Summer post. (Jut in time! I thought I was prepared but fall still snuck up on me and now it's right around the corner.)

I’ve actually got a lot going on right now. I have a new client that I’m creating a character for. I’m trying to make it to the finish line of self-publishing my own book. And I’m trying to find a new part time (hopefully remote work) job by October. I suppose it makes sense that I’m kind of stressed out.

I am in a loop here. I’ve had this plan to leave my current job in retail since last year. Easier said than done obviously. Between being emotionally and physically drained each day, taking care of my apartment (and my new fish that I foolishly decided I was responsible enough for) and trying to publish a book and gain illustration clients, I’m pretty much turning myself inside out. If you’ve seen the second movie you know Anxiety can do a number on you. She’s in full effect right now. I’ve been trying to keep it together and hit all my goals but even though I’m getting close, nothing seems like enough to give me the confidence to move on. Picture that scene where Riley’s sense of self shouts “I’m not good enough!” Yep, that’s me.

But maybe this time Anxiety is right.

We know each emotion plays an important role. Maybe I’m not good enough and this burning Anxiety in my chest (which used to be excitement) every time I think about leaving my job is just trying to keep me safe. Leaving a job with no back up is a BAD idea! Anyone will tell you. But it’s not as if I don’t have savings. It’s not as if I’m not actively job seeking. It’s not as if I don’t have any marketable skills. (Although when good old Anxiety is in a whirl thumping at your chest it’s hard to think of them.) It’s not as if my current job hasn’t been trying me since week one and getting steadily worse by the year.

I know I should be grateful. Some people would jump for joy at a full-time job. 401K. Healthcare. All that good stuff. When I first started, I didn’t think I could do it. And honestly, I wasn’t great at it. But I improved. I went to part-time to full-time in four months after being told there was no chance for full time. I was dedicated. Determined. I wanted to do a great job. I gained so much confidence. I know the job inside and out now. And maybe that’s the problem. I hit the ceiling. There’s no opportunity for growth. (I asked –casually, but still). Not that I want the manager’s job anyway. More pay but also more hassle and less free time.

It's not just the work. The environment isn’t exactly wholesome. I won’t say toxic. If it is, it’s basic Corporate America, retail BS, toxic. Company pays bare minimum, has no respect for us, customers treat us like servants, management micromanages, annoying coworkers are annoying, updates are nonexistent, supplies are few and far between and (this one might be unique) toilets frequently don’t work (because the company that doesn’t respect us is too cheap to fix the plumbing). It’s not great. It’s not fun. But work isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s work. It could be worse.    

Still, I’m tired. Very tired. I almost had a break down at work twice now. Winter is coming. More specifically Christmas. Christmas is always rough. But because the slow season was so slow, and the company was cutting hours so severely, part time workers dropped like flies so now this holiday season we’re not just looking at rough. We’re looking at slammed, over run, overwhelmed and beat down. I need a permanent vacation from this place before that happens. Hence, I’m trying to get out at the end of September. Which is...HERE!

Uh-oh.

Meanwhile since around week two of August, Anxiety has been shouting, “Leaving is a terrible idea!” in my ear, nearly every day. Thus explains the loop. I think about staying and get hit with a wave of despair. I think about leaving, Anxiety comes in with the jab, convinced I’ll never make it as a freelancer, that’ll I blow all my savings and end up living in a cardboard box. I’ve been trying to establish good routines in anticipation of a slightly less structured, more financially conservative lifestyle. I’ve been doing good but that’s normal for me. It always starts off good. And then I crash and burn. So, Anxiety knows my patterns. It was always the plan to pick up a part time. But I hoped to take a month or so off to just enjoy not having to clock in. To organize and decorate my apartment (which I’ve been living in half decorated and partially organized on occasion for almost three years). I was going to experiment with art styles. Go places during the week because I actually had time. Not have to dread calling out if I had a bad cold. Sitting down when I’m tired instead of looking longingly at the chairs we sell (or the floor at this point –and yeah there have been times when I’ve hopefully hidden from the cameras and my manager at sat on the floor while working because my body was just done standing upright.) I have sickle cell and I’m vitamin D and iron deficient so I need to rest sometimes.

I thought I’d finally get a break. But Anxiety has made it clear that unless I have a new source of income set up in mid-September for October, we’re probably not leaving. So it’s aggressive job search time.

A lot right? Yeah… It’s a lot.

So that’s my update. Pressure. Stress. New client. Book getting ready to premiere.

The good news is whether I’m still at my current job or not, “Asha Landry Gives the Solar System a Spin” premieres this fall and I’m so very excited about that.

Signing off.